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CHILD EXCHANGE
Let's talk about the child exchange. This is a court mandated time when you have to have contact with your ex. If you have had violence between the two of you in the past then you should be aware that this could be a dangerous time for you. If you have never had a problem with your ex then you probably wouldn't be reading this, so let's assume you have had problems.
WHERE
Having the child exchange at your home or your ex's home is an invitation for trouble. For one thing the child is never ready when you arrive because the ex thinks they will just get the child's stuff together or dress the child when you arrive. If you have to be somewhere after picking up the child, then you're going to be impatient while waiting for the child to get ready and that may be all it takes to start an argument. Also, whoever's home your at will feel that they have certain rights in their own home and if there is a problem then they may become uncooperative in the privacy of their own home and act in a manner that they wouldn't act in public.
If your ex comes to your home to pick up the child then that gives them the opportunity to look around, see anything that would indicate your seeing someone else, or check your mail or phone caller I.D. while your busy getting the child ready. I have had cases where there is a protective order in place but they still do the exchange at the protected-person's home because it is convenient. That is a terrible idea and could give your ex grounds to have the protective order dissolved since your are clearly not in fear if you invite them to your home for the child exchange.
I suggest you do the child exchange in a public place like at a store or restaurant where there are lots of people around. In extreme cases you may want to do the exchange at the courthouse or a police station. If your ex suddenly wants to do the exchange at a different time or at an unpopulated place, be wary. Look for a business in your area that has video surveillance in their parking lot. I have had many cases that were proven because Walmart has video surveillance in the parking lot. Walmart wont give you the video but they will give it to the police.
If your schedules permit, have your ex pick up the child after school on Friday and take them to school Monday and you don't even have to see them.
PROTECT YOURSELF
If there are constant arguments, threats or violence on child exchanges then you should ask the court to mandate that you stay in your own cars and let the child just take their stuff and get in the other car. If your child is too young for this then the court can order that one of you stay in the car and the other actually does the transfer. This may seem extreme but I have seen such orders and I've seen them work.
Do not make the exchange if something makes you feel that there is danger. You know your ex and the behaviors they exhibit when they are mad or working themselves up to violence. Just because the court order says that you exchange at the mall at a certain time doesn't mean you have to subject yourself to getting hurt. If you sense there is going to be trouble then tell the other parent that you will do the exchange at a police station.
Take a friend with you. People are less likely to cause trouble if there is a witness present. Bringing your new lover or spouse, or even a friend that your ex may think is your new lover, is a bad idea. Why fuel the fire?
Get in the habit of always parking in a space that you can get out of going forward or reverse. This prevents your ex from blocking you in with his car.
THINK EVIDENCE
If you have had trouble in the past then you should assume there will be trouble every time and be prepared. First of all, protect yourself. Secondly, collect evidence if there is trouble. Carry a little tape or digital recorder and start recording before you arrive and stop it after you leave. If there was no trouble you can just record over it next time. If there were threats then you have some evidence of it.
Using a recorder has other benefits. If you know you are recording the exchange, then you are less likely to push his buttons and instigate a quarrel. I know, you would never do that! After you have an exchange that is less than cordial, listen to the recording and be honest with your self. Did you revisit some past grievance that you know always upsets your ex? Were the words you used okay, but your tone of voice sarcastic, accusing, nagging, or belittling? Did you say anything nice to your ex? This is hard because you have a lot of pain between you, but somewhere in the past you liked this person. Even if the only nice thing you can think of is, "thanks for being on time." Say it in a sincere tone and it's a start, think of something better next time! Your ex is a human and will probably react to anger with anger, and will react to a kindness with a kindness, although they may be shocked the first time, so be patient. You may have years of child exchanges ahead of you so start laying the groundwork for an amiable exchange. The biggest benefit will be to your child who doesn't have to fear the exchange.
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