Some one has been harassing me for four years. They started out by coming in my house while I was gone and then coming in at night after I went to bed. I had ADT installed but they still got in the house, per ADT. I live in a really small town and the police haven't been any help. I hired private detectives, who installed 7 cameras inside and outside my house. Certain cameras were turned off for six hours at a time when they were in my house. They always leave something to let me know they were there. The detectives thought my exhusband had hired someone who was a professional to do this. They had has much knowledge as the detectives. I let the detectives go and thought I could put up with what ever they did, but then I was raped. I went to bed at night and woke up knowing I had been raped. I have my house up for sale but haven't been able to sell it. I desperately need help but don't know where to get it.
My response:
I'm so sorry for all the trouble you've experienced. I'm also sorry that your local police weren't able to help you. I wish the police could help everyone solve their problems but sometimes we just can't and you have to solve them yourself. You installed an alarm and cameras, and your selling your house. Good for you that you realize you have to take control of your own life and are prepared to take serious measures.
I have some suggestions. Is your alarm system one of those where ADT calls you when it goes off and if you give the clearance code, then they cancel it? If so, then make sure they call your cell phone and not your house phone. I suggest to people that they have a security question that the alarm company asks when they call. The question should be "what is the subscribers birth date?" The correct response should then be a date that is not your birth date. If your stalker knows your real birth date they will smugly give that as the answer. Tell your alarm company that if they call and are given your actual birth date, then that is a signal that there is a problem and they should alert your police department. If your stalker has taken you hostage, they will not be suspicious if they make you answer the phone and you give what they think is the correct answer. Sneaky, huh?
Is your alarm audible or silent? I suggest audible, because your intruder will probably flee when it goes off rather than risk discovery.
You said that you owned your own home, so there are no pet restrictions. Do you have a dog? Dogs are amazing for home security. If you have had the same dog since before you split with your exhusband, you should consider getting another. You should have a dog that doesn't recognize your exhusband and wont trust him or think he belongs to your "pack". A barking dog alerts neighbors, or at least your intruder will think so and he will usually leave rather than risk discovery. Most people are nervous around dogs they don't know, because you just never know if it will bite. For this reason, even small yapper dogs are effective. It's not so much the size of the dog, as it is that people are afraid to be bitten. Plus, a dog is always happy to see you and will really become a member of your family.
Your email makes it sound like your stalker is technology-smart and was able to defeat your alarm and camera systems. ADT probably put their stickers on your windows and doors, and maybe a sign in your yard. Your camera system is probably easy to recognize. Your stalker knew what you had immediately. I think you should keep those systems, but I also want you to think "sneaky" from this point forward.
I get frustrated with people who will spend five bucks once or twice a day for a Starbuck's coffee, but aren't willing to spend a dime to protect themselves. I try to give practical strategies that don't cost anything, but sometimes a person's situation can only be solved by spending some money. It sounds like you recognize this and are doing what you must.
Another thing that keeps people from acting is that they just don't know where to start. I've searched the internet and found two websites that I like to have people take a look at. One has personal protection products, the other has every kind of electronic surveillance and counter-surveillance equipment. It won't hurt my feelings if you don't buy anything from them, I just want you to use it as a place to start. If you see something you like, shop it on other websites or in electronics stores and get the best price. It's heartbreaking to see people hurt, killed, or living in fear because they didn't think their life was worth the few dollars necessary to protect themselves. Okay, I'll step down off my soapbox now!
Under the category of Home Security Systems you will find the Telespy Intruder Alert. It hooks to your phone jack and calls your cell phone if it senses an intruder. You can then answer your cell phone and listen to what's happening in your home. If you hear something suspicious you can call the police. Your stalker may defeat your ADT system which he knows about, but he won't suspect you have this back-up system. See what I mean by "sneaky". Plus, you only pay for it once, there are no monthly bills nor contracts.
Under the that same category, look at the Door Stop Alarm. There is nothing simpler than this little alarm that you set on the floor in front of your door. If an intruder tries to get in, it stops the door and lets off an audible alarm. My sister-in-law has one in her house and I think it's brilliant, and it's very inexpensive. I suggest you set one on your entry door and one on your bedroom door when you go to bed.
This site also has all kinds of pepper sprays. Type "pepper spray" into their search box to see all they offer. I suggest that people keep one in the car, one by the bed, and one in your purse. They even have a pepper spray that looks like a lipstick, if someone sees it in your purse they won't recognize it as pepper spray. Sneaky.
You can spend hours looking at all the cool stuff they have on this website, be sure to check out their hidden cameras section. There are cameras hidden in clocks, mirrors, radios and other common household items. Your intruder may know how to defeat your camera system, but he won't know to look for this one because it is not connected, and it has it's own recorder.
They also have equipment you can use to scan your house, car and phone for tracking devices, wiretaps, and hidden cameras that your stalker placed in your house. Your private investigator probably has this same equipment to perform these scans for you, but they will charge you an amount close to the price of the equipment, and next month they'll charge you to do another scan and again and again. I would suggest you buy the equipment to do your own scans and you can use it when ever you want without paying any more. If your stalker always seems to know what your doing, he may have placed some bugs in your house. I didn't even know this kind of equipment was available to civilians until I stumbled across this website.
Please stay in contact with your police department. You may not have thought they helped you in the past, but they are an integral part of ending this nightmare and they may yet come up with some ideas I haven't thought of.
Okay, I'm all talked out. I hope this helps.
Detective P
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Comments: Hi,
You highly recommend that victims go to the police. For me going to the police was the worst decision I have ever made and has had horrific consequences. At first the officer was great. He fully agreed that this creep was indeed stalking me in a very disturbing way. I told him immediately that I was scared to get a restraining order because the psychopath would become enraged and the stalking would worsen. He decided to file charges. This was great until his supervisor told him it wasn't a good idea. Because the sicko enrolled her kid at the private school mine goes to and was trying to have contact with my child, he convinced me to get a temporary order.sure enough, she went off the deep end and all hell has broken loose.She is now harassing me without violating the order. She sues me. Almost daily a new lawsuit, ranging from trying to get a stalking order against me to small claims. The police were coming to my house almost every day to serve me papers. Meanwhile, the police are horrified but can't do anything. This nightmare has escalated to a point that I have no ability to cope with it, and there isn't anyone who will help, and I don't know what I will do. I have a little girl who is trying to figure out why life as she knew it has ended because her mom is living in a constant state of fear and stress.As for the nice police officer, we live in a very small unexciting town and at first he thought it was fun to have something to do besides chase loose dogs and listen to complaints from elderly people about the atv tracks on their lawn. Well, he's had enough of it now and doesn't ever want to hear about it again. I would caution people that going to the police is not always the best thing and can sometimes cause more harm. Unless there is physical violence or atleast the threat of it, it's not a good idea to go to the police. It gives you a false sense of hope at the very least.
My response: Wow! First, I'm sorry for all the trouble you've experienced. Second, I agree. Going to the police is not always the best answer. The best solution is usually to talk rationally to the person you are at odds with and work out an amicable agreement. Each person apologize for the hurt they caused the other and you each compromise a little so you can save face, and agree to not hurt each other again. That is how we solve 99% of our problems as adults. The problem is that there is still that one percent of problems with people who don't want to compromise, apologize, nor talk rationally. Thus, I have employment. I don't have the answers to everyones stalking problems. I hope people who read this website understand that it is from a cops point of view. If I was a lawyer, I would write a website about how to solve your stalking problem through lawsuits and injunctions. If I was a psychiatrist, I would write a website geared towards understanding the deep rooted issues that have led you to hate each other. If I was a priest, I would suggest you each ask "what would Jesus do?" I am giving advice based on my experience, and trying to educate people on how to use the police as a tool to solve their problem. The police can't solve your problem, but you can use them as a tool if you think they are the right tool for the job. Sometimes, just waiting it out is the best option. Very few relationships end with smiles all around. Usually, one or both persons feel that they were treated poorly. Most of those people are still able to get over it with a minimum of bad behavior, and those who are on the receiving end of that bad behavior just wait it out and the behavior stops eventually. If this was the case in your situation, you would have never felt the need to research stalking on the internet and you never would have found my website. I hope that anybody reading this website understands that there is no "one size fits all" solution to stalking. Each case is different. The person who knows the most about their stalker, is the person being stalked. You know what her reaction will be to a Protective Order better than your police do. You have to be the one to decide which way to proceed, because you are the one who has to live with the consequences. You went to the police and they offered you their "police plan" to stop her. They can only offer you the services that police can provide, you have to decide if that is the path you want to take. Everyday, I speak with victims of harassment, threats, and stalking. I always ask them if they want me to call the suspect and tell them I have a case and they better knock it off. I ask the victim if they think it will help or make things worse. I would guess that about 75% tell me not to make the call. I respect their wishes because they have a better idea what will happen if I call. I always give them that option, but I don't try to convince them one way or the other. If you are receiving some "attitude" from your police, it is probably because they are frustrated as well. Usually when I'm frustrated with victims, it's because they are not bringing me what I need to do my job. I'm sure you realize that the police are not likely to be right there when she does something to harass you. You have to be prepared to collect evidence of the harassment. It's really not that hard to collect evidence, you probably already have all you need, you just have to be prepared when the incident happens. I think a lot of visitors to my website skip the page on evidence because it sounds boring. Well, I'll admit it's not a page-turner, but I think I made it as simple as I could. Go back and read it, it's pretty short. If you've already got the temporary protective order, I think you should collect evidence and have her charged for violating it. The reason is that it makes the fight between her and the law. Let some of her anger be turned toward the police. It also tells her that what she is doing is bad, and if she stops, the police won't bother her further. This is really the only service that the police offer, if you think it will make things worse then don't do it. I'm not really qualified to advise you in any other direction, that's why I advise people to contact the police. Lastly, be patient and let the system work. Keep following through and don't get discouraged. There is no solution to just turn-off the stalking. We have to wear her down until she decides it's just not worth the trouble.
i am 47 y/o and live alone in a rural area. i dated my stalker for 2 years even though i saw BIG red
flags.dont ask me why. i am college eduated,never been arrested and always had
a steady job all my life. he is a con artist and i fell for it.he stalked and
threatened me as i gathered evidence.the judge and D.A. hated him and i easily
got my r/o and stalking order. the most important thing that i haven't
mentioned is that he lives next door to me and i live in a rural setting with
little exposure to other neighbors.he has every opportunity to torture me by
driving back and forth in front of my home(he has to pass my house to get to
his cause we live near the end of a dead end road)my property is fenced with a
gate that needs to be manually opened every time i come and go. he can hear the
gate open and he quick jumps in his car so he can drive within a few feet of my
every time i leave. everytime i am outside he stands within
several ft of the fence acting like he is raking or snowshoveling.after i
got my stalking order in december,i hid in my home never going outside as he
has made it a full time job to watch me,only working odd jobs when i am working
so he can always be home waiting for me.he is sick.i kept a journal of
everything he did but i was too scarred to call the police cause he had
threatened to kill my animals(horse,donkies and dogs).finally i got brave and
called the police when my girlfriend witnessed him staring and yelling at me
over the fence.we have a court date at the end of this month and i am praying
the judge will order him to move,as he is only renting and his lease comes up
in july.his home is aprox 30 feet from my property line. my question to you is
what can i say other than the obvious to the judge to convince him to order
that he cann 't come within 100 ft of my property, forcing him to move. every
day when i drive home from work i wonder if my
animals will be dead or my house burnt down. he has caused property
destruction, threatened my animals turned my car upside down,dragging it down
the street by his truck and then leaving it in front of my gate.he called my
best friend back in december and told her that he is never going to move
because he wants to stay here to make me miserable for the rest of my life.i
dont have the option to move.i own my place and have too much money invested in
it to sell.i have too many animals to rent somewhere else but i couldn't afford
that even i wanted to.he is never going to move on with his life watching me
day and night.what he said is true.i am miserable.the D.A. said that only the
judge can make the decision to make him move.i have been to court 3times with
the judge. he hates my stalker as he has a long criminal history,but still
only ordered he cant come w/in 10 ft of my fence.50-100 ft limitation would
force him to move.what can i do.i cant afford to
hire an attourney.i'm still paying off my security and surveillance
system.please i need some help.
My response:
I wish I had a
quick-fix answer for you, but I don't. It sounds like the judge is doing all he
can. My experience is that Judges won't make somebody move from their home.
That's one of those constitutional rights, to be secure in our homes, even for
renters. I know, right now you are saying that you should have the right to be
secure in your home also. You do have that right, but it's a different kind of
secure. The constitution was written to prevent the government, your judge in
this case, from taking a citizen’s home from them. I have had cases involving
people living in the same apartment building that shared a common wall and had
to use the same elevator to come and go. The judges who granted those
protective orders were able to designate the party’s behavior when in the
common areas, but couldn’t make one move out.
The “secure” that
you want, is the right to be “safe” in your home. That is your right, but it is
also your responsibility.You
said that when you met this guy you saw “red flags” warning you away, but you
got involved with him anyway. Nice ladies are attracted to bad boys. I get it.
The problem is that bad boys are called that because they are BAD boys. They
don’t become good boys and go away when you lose interest in them.
Okay, enough
lecture, let’s come up with a few ideas to help you.
I’m proud of you
for taking the steps you already have taken. You sound a little discouraged
because you don’t feel that the protective order has solved the problem. He is
finding ways to still harass you, that don’t violate the order. Well, the order
can’t make him be a nice guy; it can only restrict certain behavior. As long as
he doesn’t violate the exact restrictions of the order, he can still be an ass.
You may have to ask the judge to change the order to include the things he is
doing now.
You say that you
have installed security and surveillance systems. Good job.
As police, we like
to charge bad guys with violation of protective orders because we can do that
immediately if there is evidence. The next step in our process is more
difficult but here it is: Start building a case for charging him with stalking.
Remember that the elements of stalking are:
A
pattern of behavior.
Over a
period of time.
That
causes you to feel frightened, harassed or intimidated.
For
the felony, aggravated stalking (in my state), you have to show evidence
that his behavior has put you in fear for your life.
Once again, you
have to have evidence of that pattern of behavior. You installed a surveillance
system, perfect. Point one of the cameras toward his property. If you can show
that every time you are outside on your property, he comes out and watches from
inside his property, then you are showing a pattern of behavior. The protective
order may allow him to be outside on his property, but the fact that he comes
out and watches you every time you’re outside displays a pattern of behavior
meant to harass you. If my neighbor came outside to talk to me every time I was
outside, that would not be stalking because we are friends and his actions are
welcome. You, however, have gotten a protective order, which says in legal
language that his attention is unwanted.
You say he follows
you when you drive. Well, use your cell phone to take little video clips or
still shots of him following you. When you think you might encounter him, like
every morning as you’re leaving the house, turn on the audio record function on
your cell phone and put it in your pocket. If he talks to you then you have
evidence that he is violating the order, and you have evidence of the pattern
of behavior. If he doesn’t talk to you, erase it and do it again tomorrow. If
your cell phone doesn’t have these functions, upgrade it, it’s worth the money
to have your own evidence-collector with you at all times.
Your stalker’s
actions don’t have to be unlawful by themselves. He could send a love letter to
your home everyday and flowers to your work everyday. Nothing wrong with that
in most people’s lives, but your protective order has told him you don’t want
it. Him continuing to do it becomes a stalking behavior. When taken in context
with all the other things he is doing, the totality of the circumstances,
display stalking behavior.
Report his
behavior to your local police. You say you already have, so stay in contact
with them. You say you live in a rural community so I don’t know how big your
police department is or if they are structured with detectives or
investigators. Usually the officers in patrol cars are responsible for
responding to calls for service, and don’t do a lot of follow-up. You want to
get past them to the detective who can take the time for a prolonged
investigation.
I’m sure you
realize that the police function is to react to crimes; by the time we get
there the crime is already committed. The police are not going to be there in
the instant you need protection. For this reason you have to prepare ahead of
time to protect yourself. I wrote a page entitled “should I buy a gun?” Here is
the link to that page:
You alone can
decide the level of your danger, and whether you could actually pull the
trigger if you needed to. On that page I discuss this and I give a couple
alternatives for non-lethal weapons.
The most
discouraging thing is that it is going to take a while to change his behavior
toward you. These days, we have come to expect quick-fixes for every problem in
our lives. Well, this one is going to take time and patience. My experience is
that if you collect the evidence and have the police charge him with crimes, he
will get tired of court appearances and costs, and jail stays, and will finally
leave you alone eventually.
I have an ex who has been harassing me long distance. He will not stop calling me, or my family, he has also hacked into my e-mail accounts and then harassed my new boyfriend. I am going to file a complaint, my question is, do I file where I live (in Georgia) or where he lives (in Virginia). Thank you!
My response,
You should file with your local police department. You are a victim of this harassment while you are in your hometown and they can charge him. They may tell you that you have to file with the jurisdiction he lives in since he is committing the crime there. I have seen this several times where each jurisdiction is telling a person to pursue charges in the other jurisdiction. This is generally because they don't understand that he can be charged in either jurisdiction. He is committing the actual crime in Virginia, so Virginia can charge him. But you are being victimized while you are in Georgia and your police department has a responsibility for your protection. For your convenience, I suggest you start with your own police department. You should understand that if your police determine that the harassment you are experiencing is a misdemeanor, not a felony, then they may issue a warrant but it will only be served in Georgia. People in one state are not arrested on misdemeanor warrants from another state because there is no extradition between states on misdemeanors. I think you should still work with your police for a local warrant so if he comes to town you have a little surprise waiting for him.
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Comments: Hi A lady whom I have know for a year now is stalking me. She used to help
me with my animal rescue. I told her I do not want her around the animals or me anymore
due to her drinking problem. I called the police on her 3 times and they did nothing.
She turned my sprinklers on at my house, tried to break the system, calls me
constantly(i have recorded them) and drives by my house on a regular basis. I have to
park my new car at my neighbors so she doesn't know I have the vehicle. My friends
think she was in love with me (I am not gay). She is acting worse than an ex boyfriend.
I'm very scared and don't know what to do. I can't change my number due to I have a
adoption website and she will find it. Please help she's crazy.
My response:
I'm sorry the police weren't able to help you. Did you only talk to a patrol officer,
or did you follow up with a detective?
The reason I ask is that patrol officers (in uniforms and patrol cars) have the
responsibility to handle calls as they are coming in to their dispatcher, and don't have
time to do much follow up if the solution is not obvious while they are on the scene.
Depending on their experience level they may just be seeing your problem as what happened
the day you called the police. They are not real concerned with the pattern of behavior
that has occurred for the past several months/years. In their mind they may be responding
to a "disturbance" call, which is successfully handled if they get this woman to leave.
In your mind you are reporting an ongoing problem that you are having that will continue
to occur after the police leave.
My suggestion is that you put down on paper some type of timeline indicating each
thing that she has done. Then collect all the evidence you have of each incident that has
happened, get statements from any person who has witnessed any single event. Take these
with you to your police department and file a report, then in a few days when your report
has had time to make it up to the detectives you should take the initiative to call and
ask to speak to the detective that is assigned to your case. The detectives aren't out
handling calls so they have more freedom to follow up on stalking type cases.
Stalking investigations are complex and time consuming, the concept of stalking as a
crime has only been recognized in the last few years and not all police departments have
had much training if any. When I came up to the detective bureau we were just beginning
to get our minds around the concept of puting several incidents together and calling it
stalking. Without any training, we've been learning as we go. Depending on how advanced
your department is, they may still be learning how to do a stalking investigation as well.
The most important thing for you to do is go back and read my page on evidence, here
Thank you for your website; it has some good, useful advice.
I am not sure if you can answer this, question, but I figured I'd try ...
I finally managed to stop my ex-boyfriend from stalking me about 2 years ago. It is possible he is in jail (not because of my case), but I don't know and I don't want to find out. My question is about some of his belongings that are still in my possession. Specifically, I have several boxes of old momentos (high school yearbook, old photos, letters from his grandmother who has passed away, etc). I did not realize that I had these (he was living in my apartment prior to our break up -- I had to move out of my own apartment and accidently took the boxes when I moved. By the time I opened them and realized what they were, he had become threatening, and I did not want to initiate contact with him in order to return them.) So, my question is, what obligation am I under to return them. He never asked for them, and in fact may not realize they are gone (or certainly that I have them). I am afraid if I try to send them back, that will open the door to renewed harassment. On the other hand, I am afraid that by keeping them (or throwing them away) I am doing something wrong. If I am obligated to return them, how do I know what address to send to ... we have several friends in common, but I do not want to ask them for fear that they will interpret this as me wanting to re-open contact. Can I just send them to his last known address (which was a rooming house, so I doubt he is there 2 years later)? Or I have his uncle's address, which I assume is more or less permanent? Please help. I get a creepy feeling every time I walk by the closet and want that stuff out!
My response: As I understand your email, you want to return his property without letting him know where you are and without him thinking you want to renew any relationship, and do you have any responsibility here? First, my personal opinion is that you do have some moral obligation to try to return his property. I think you already feel the same and that is why you haven't just thrown it out already. The items you describe are irreplaceable. If it was just some clothes, tools, and music CDs, I would say donate it to a shelter, his loss is only monetary. But letters from dead grandmothers can't be replaced. As for your legal obligation, I think you have some responsibility there as well. If you took his property, even unintentionally, you must make every effort to return it. Before doing anything else, go to yahoo.com or hotmail.com and set up an email account using your name but fictitious birthdates, phone numbers, and an address in another state. Just in case he is an internet genius, or knows somebody who is, don't have anything that can be traced back to you. I would start by contacting that uncle. Call him from a payphone. I don't care if it's long distance and you have to pay a few dollars for a phone card, it's worth it that he doesn't get your phone number from his caller ID and pass it on to your ex. See if he has an address, phone or email contact for your ex. If he does, get it right then. If he doesn't have one but thinks he can get one and wants your phone number,tell him your phone is turned off and you're between addresses and that you only have the new email address as a point of contact. Have him email the info to you, or tell him to give the email to your ex. If the uncle is not able to help you, then do the same with a friend-in-common. I should think that if you explain the situation, they will see it for what it is. Again, use the new email address if they ask for a point of contact. When you get the address, take a picture of his stuff and send the stuff to him, and request a receipt from the post office or UPS when it's delivered. Keep the picture and the receipt in case he ever tries to sue you or bring charges against you. If you aren't able to contact him through his uncle or friends, then the best way to cover yourself is to place a classified ad in the paper in the last city you know he lived in and also one in the city you lived in with him when you moved out and took his things. The ad should name him specifically and yourself, the circumstances, and that you have his property and will dispose of it if you don't hear from him in ninety days. You should not list what any of the property is, make him tell you what it is when he contacts you so you know it's actually him. Again, use the email address as the place to respond to. Buy a copy of the paper containing the ad and keep it with the receipt and picture, and also print and save any email correspondence if he contacts you. When this is all done and you have returned his things or disposed of them, close the email account. If you think he is in prison, you can find out by checking him out on the link I give in my "don't make the same mistake twice" page.
I believe this website will be a God send for many people I wish I would have had something like this to turn to. It would have been much more help to me then the many police officers that I had to encounter over a period of about three years of a very abusive live in boyfriend. I had made reports, there was more often then not choke marks or red marks or bruises on me when the police arrived and there was always a witness because I was never the one to make the call when we were alone because I was too scared.But when friends or family would come by and they could see what was going on they would always make the call. The police would come and I always cooperated with them and never tried to cover for him but for whatever reason he was never arrested. Eventually I got tough enough to leave him and moved me and my two sons in with my daughter. He started showing up at her home beating on the door calling the phone constantly we would ignor it hoping he would just go away. He would sit at the end of her road and watch for me to leave for work or school he would call over and over making threats he would come to my work where I was A delivery driver and follow me around I could go on and on but I won't. To make a long story a little less long even though reports were made,cops were called, there were marks on my body and there was witnesses nothing could be done to him. I filed for a restraining order it was granted so many times he violated this restraining order by driving by or following me or calling over and over at one time an officer who came out to my house because he kept calling even answered my phone but this man pretended he was trying to call the pizza parlor still he was not arrested. There was a time after he had roughed me up pretty good it might have been when I got the restraining order that a friend and I went to the women's refuge and while I was sitting there he came walking in the office workers locked me in a back room while they escorted him outside they informed me that had never happened before. Still this man was never arrested. Finally after about eight months of this I called the Redding Police Dept. and told my story after being transferred through several channels I got to speak to Officer Bonner, after spilling my heart out without being interuppted I told him that I had went and got a gun and if they didn't make it stop then I was going to make it stop. He then ask me how many witnesses would be willing to give depositions for me or maybe even testify and then said to round them up and have everyone get to his office as soon as they can. We did and within two days this Officer went to this man's home and arrested him and then called me and told me I could take a deep breath now. The man served quite awhile in jail as he was convicted of stalking and terroist threats.Officer Bonner truly was my savior and I thank God for him everyday.
One situation I wish you would address: I think my wife > is being stalked by her boss (for several years now). He sends her > flowers on different occassions. He sends flowers to our house when > she is sick. I think the motive for this is to profit financially > from her hard work (they are both attorneys). She doesn't want the > embarrassment of accusing him of stalking. I think she may be > 'brainwashed', as he is a very smooth talker. Is there any recourse > for me to help her? It is frustrating to see this guy manipulate > her, and cause me stress at the same time. What is the best way to > handle this kind of situation? Thanks.
My response:
It is not uncommon at all for a boss to try to motivate an employee by giving them gifts. In fact, just about every company rewards their employees hard work by giving them gifts, bonuses, prizes for best performance, incentives when goals are reached, a good parking spot for employee of the month, and tickets to ball games, etc.
So on the surface it doesn't appear to be anything unusual from what you've said. My own sergeant sent me flowers when I was in the hospital once. I didn't find it weird and my wife wasn't at all concerned that she had any secret motives other than to show concern for a subordinate and friend.
Your wife's boss chooses flowers as a gift, usually considered a sign of romance. This could be a sign of affection, or it could just be a show of his lack of imagination. He may not have any idea what kind of things she likes and may choose flowers because, as men, we think every woman likes flowers so it is a safe gift.
Only your wife can decide if the gifts are inappropriate by the way she feels when she receives them. If all the gals in the office get flowers, it probably means nothing. But if receiving flowers makes her uncomfortable, then she is the only one who can decide it is inappropriate. If she doesn't have a problem with it, then the problem is a jealousy issue and it's your problem not hers.
If she feels uncomfortable, then the first step is for her to tell her boss. If she doesn't want to, then respect her judgement. None of us think our bosses are perfect, but we let the little things slide so as not to make our work place unbearable. You probably have issues with your own boss that you keep to yourself. My wife considers me a "problem fixer". If I have an issue with someone, I tell them, and she says I'm not the least bit diplomatic. After many times of opening my big mouth and embarrassing her, she told me that sometimes she just wants to complain, she doesn't want me to fix the problem. Now, I have to ask her first, if she wants me to say something to someone. Usually she tells me NO! just let me complain because it makes me feel better.
I would suggest you talk to your wife and find out if she is uncomfortable or if you are the one who has problems with flowers from another man. If she doesn't like the flowers, then ask her if she wants to do something about it, or if she just wants you to be a caring spouse and sympathize with her complaints.
If she does want to say something, but doesn't know what to say. Have her talk to the other employees and they can go to the boss as a group so she isn't singled out, and tell him that the flowers are nice, but how about if he considers gift cards to local restaurants as an incentive. They are cheaper than flowers, always appropriate, and they can be shared with spouses or friends. If, as you said, his motivation is to gain financially from their hard work, then it is perfect.
My parents are being stalked by a man who feels that they have wronged him. They live in a small town and are part of many of the same circles as this individual, so it is inevitable in living normal life that they will run into him. This all started last year. At first, he was just sending them generally insulting emails and they would sometimes see him parked on their street late at night. They've tried to avoid him by dropping most of their former activities, including church attendance because every time he sees them, it brings on a new email with heightened threats. It went from, "do the world a favor and kill yourself." to "maybe I'll come over and help you kill yourself" to "I have a recurring dream of coming to your house some holiday and slaughtering you and your entire family including your pets". The last was the most recent. The threat was followed with "by the way, how is your pet? Haven't seen him for awhile" and on the same day of the email the pet showed up with a strange injury which I don't believe to be coincidental. The problem is, the man uses his wife's email account so we can't prove it was him, and he works during the day, so we can't prove he had anything to do with the pet. My parents are older with grown children and several young grandchildren, and needless to say, we are all terrified. My parents are scared to go to the police because of the possibility of causing this man to go even further over the edge. Instead they are just moving for a year in hopes that he will stop if they are not right there. Although I know you can't predict this man's behavior, from your experience, is there a benefit to moving from this type of stalker? Do vengeful stalkers ever "cool off"? We are worried about trying to celebrate holidays as a family because we don't know how far away is safe from him. Since he has threatened to slaughter all of us, we also don't know if we are all targets now, either. Is there a good way to assess the seriousness of his threats for the rest of us? We just don't know what to do.
My response: There is just no way of predicting this guys behavior. I really, really, really urge you to make a police report. If that's all you do, then at least you have documented this man's threats, and you've notified your local police that there is a problem. Bring copies of the emails, and any voicemails or other evidence you have, and give it to the police. I would ask them to contact the man and tell him to knock it off, that is often all it takes to make him stop. If this man has a long criminal history, then he may not care about the police. But if he is like the rest of us and doesn't want trouble with the cops, just finding out that the cops are aware of what he's doing will be enough to make him stop. Wouldn't you stop if the cops told you to knock it off? Also, it's rare that a model citizen would engage in these kinds of threats. If he is doing it to your parents, he is probably doing it to others as well. The local police, especially in a small community, may be aware that he's a jerk and they can be on the watch for him. I work in a large metropolitan area of about two million people. I spent fourteen years in uniform working the same area of town. Even in such a large city, I was well aware of who were the trouble makers on my beat, and if I saw one I took the time to see what they were doing. This would often lead to their arrest, and the next time I saw them and told them to shape up, they did. Give your local cops some credit, they know every troublemaker in town and may have some good ideas on how to adjust his behavior. Perhaps they have already given him reason to fear them! If you've been reading my website, you know that I sound like a broken recording, always talking about the need for evidence before the police can do anything. If the evidence you have is insufficient to bring charges against this man, you should still talk to your police and have them help you build a plan. Even when we have insufficient evidence to press charges, we still take what you give us and call the suspect. Since most suspects don't know how much evidence we have, and they know what they've done, they fear that we have more evidence than we actually do. When I call suspects, I totally lie and exaggerate about how much trouble they are in. Your local police probably do the same and will hopefully scare this guy into straightening up. As to whether vengeful stalkers ever "cool off", I would definitely say yes they do. It takes a lot of energy to hate and stalk somebody and usually a "vengeful" stalker will eventually decide that they've taught you a lesson, or they will just get tired of it and move on to some other compulsive behavior. The problem is that you never how long it will be before they "cool off". So far you've followed the theory of doing nothing and hoping it will just stop. That hasn't worked in your case. Call your cops!
I wrote to a prisoner which I realize was a mistake. But I am being stalked mostly by this exprisoner's group that he associates with. My family doesn't believe me, and makes me think I'm crazy. I'm sending you this email just in case I'm not crazy after all. I havn't been threatened, but I feel I am being stalked.
My response: You didn't really give me very much info to work with but in your last sentence you say you feel that you're being stalked even though you haven't been threatened. Stalking can occur without threats. For instance, someone who keeps asking you out and sending you gifts and calling and showing up at your work, even after you told them you want no further contact. The problem for the police is in trying to articulate in an affidavit how these apparent nice acts caused you to feel fear. It's important that you contact your local police detectives and tell them what's going on. They will be able to tell you how to establish a point in time when you made it clear that the attention is unwanted, and build a stalking case from that time forward.
--------------------------------------------------------------- Very informative, thank you. Is it legal to tape record a harassing phone call that I answered, to use as evidence that the harasser violated a no contact order? I live in PA.
My response: It depends on what state you live in, most allow one party consent on recording phone calls so you could record them secretly. A few states require that you tell the person you are talking to that you are recording the conversation. I live and work in one of the states that require both parties consent to record a phone call. Check with your local police detectives, an officer working the streets may not know the answer, to see what the law is in your state. In my state threatening or harassing someone is a misdemeanor, but, secretly recording a phone call is a felony. When a person calls me and says they recorded threats made over the phone without warning the other person they are being recorded, I tell them not to bring me the evidence, destroy it. I don't want to have them bring me evidence that they committed a felony so they could catch their ex committing a misdemeanor! On the other hand, it is legal to record any conversation you are having face to face.
if someone is constanly taking pictures of you and saying I know were you live is that stalking
My response: The answer is in whether this person’s actions put you in fear for your safety. When you are out in public, any person may take your picture, that's why the paparazzi can make a living selling candid photos to tabloids. Celebrities, with all their money, can't stop them and neither can you or I. Paparazzi also can tell celebrities "I know where you live." If celebrities are afraid of a certain paparazzi they can get a restraining order against him. But they don't usually bother because there are just too many paparazzi and they would have to get an order against each one individually. You on the other hand probably only have one person taking your photo and bugging you. It is completely reasonable for you to get a restraining order against that one person. If you had a previous relationship with this person then you would get a Protective Order, which the police can enforce criminally. If you are afraid that this person may harm you then I would strongly suggest that you get an order, then collect evidence of violations so the police can charge him. Go back and read my page on evidence at: http://www.stopyourstalker.com/gpage5.html
There are some good suggestions on how to collect evidence.
Detective P, I know this sounds silly, but I don’t know what TPO stands for. Help me out.
My response: Haha, sorry, I get so used to talking about it that I forget that not everybody lives in my world. TPO stands for Temporary Protective Order. You might also hear them called a TRO or Temporary Restraining Order. They are usually good for thirty days and are issued based on what you write in your application. At the end of thirty days there is a hearing so the judge can hear the other parties side of the story and you also get to explain in person why you fear that person. The judge then either extends the protective order (EPO), usually for a year, or dismisses it. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hi! Great website. My question regards my ex-husband. I filed for divorce in Jan 2004, but he blocked the process for over a year. After 16 months, finally! But wait, I still have to deal with this guy because we have two children. I have, after a number of threats of legal action, finally gotten him to stay in his car when he picks up the kids and not come into my house. I found him wandering around a number of times inside before this. The problem I am having right now is that I have asked him only to contact me (by text or email) if there is an emergency or scheduling problem. It seems like the more I try to put my foot down, the more emails, texts and calls I receive. He has really stepped up his efforts recently and has been contacting me in some fashion 2-3 times EVERY DAY. Our oldest daughter has her own phone so he need not contact me at all regarding her in general. We have our schedules in writing and there should be no need for him to contact me incessantly. I have no money for an attorney, and I have to admit that after the fiasco of a “divorce trial” I experienced, I have little faith in the system to help me. What can I do? He just won’t leave me alone!
My response:
Thanks. It sounds like your ex is using the children as an excuse for bugging you. My first suggestion is to apply for a protective order that spells out that he can’t contact you except for in an emergency, a scheduling problem, or a child issue. You may have that stipulation in your divorce decree, but there is no criminal penalty for violating a divorce decree. Get a TPO and collect evidence of violations and take it to your police department. A trip to jail will probably convince him that you are serious. It sounds like you are doing your child exchange at your house. That is bad news. Read my chapter on child exchange again and this time realize that I’m talking to you!
Lastly, accept the fact that he will never behave the way you want him to, otherwise, you wouldn’t have divorced him. If he has changed at all in a favorable fashion, give him credit, tell him you appreciate it. He may try to do a little better to get another compliment. If he has made no effort whatsoever, then get the TPO and make him play by the rules. The “system” may have left you unhappy in the past because you didn’t know how to use it. My chapters on Protective Orders and Evidence should give you a head-start on using the system to work in your favor.
Her response:
Thanks for the reply. Yes, it looks like another attorney is in my near future. I appreciate this information and I will be following through to attempt to get my life back. I’ll try to remember to let you know what happens.
My response:
I’m going to add our correspondence to my “readers questions” page. I think a lot of other divorced parents are having similar problems and will benefit from your input.
I will tell you that my honest opinion is that there is not much an attorney can do for you now that your divorce is final. Any attorney will gladly take your money but I don’t see how they can really help you with the problems you describe. TPO’s are free, and the police dept and courts have Victim Advocates that will help you with the application for free. Ask to speak to one, they know what the judge is looking for on the application and will increase the likelihood that the judge will issue a TPO. The police will enforce the TPO for free if you bring them the evidence. A night in jail will mean more to your ex than the threat of a lawsuit.
I would suggest that you take the money you would have paid to an attorney and buy a camera surveillance system. You can collect evidence when your not home, and feel more secure in your home. I think you will get a lot more use out of it in the long run. Check this website, they have some good systems at competitive prices: CAMERA SYSTEMS
I wanted to sincerely thank you for taking the time to create your website to help others who could be in serious trouble. My daughter was murdered 14 years ago by a man who was stalking me. My daughter and I were taken hostage by knifepoint and she was ultimately assassinated. After her atrocious murder, I sued the police department for not honoring the judge’s order of protection as I phoned 911 numerous times to no avail. We prevailed and a new law came out which resulted in the loss of immunity for the police department and two other counties. This means that if the police department chooses not to honor an order of protection they will now be held liable where they previously were not. It is my desire to make the law federal, as I believe the police should be held liable for not honoring a judge’s order of protection everywhere in the United States. I am incredibly thankful for the new law, as we all need to start somewhere.
I am in the process of doing research for my upcoming book to help parents of murdered children and other victims of crime find healing through Jesus and our Father in Heaven as I did, as well as spread the new law for the protection of those being stalked and harassed who have injunctions. I am currently seeking those who have a testimony that they want to share in this project that God has put a compelling desire in my heart and spirit to complete before I leave this world.
“I am only one, but still I am one. I cannot do everything, but still I can do something: and because I cannot do everything, I will not refuse to do something that I can do.”<Helen Keller>
My response:
I’m so sorry for your loss.
My goal is to give people ideas that they can immediately implement to increase their safety. It sounds as if your goal is to change the world on a larger scale. I see the merit in the changes you are working toward.
My state has laws that make it a crime for a police officer not to take action to enforce a valid protection order. An officer could face criminal charges for not enforcing an order. It sounds like this is the type of legislation you are trying to make federal, and I think it is a great idea.
I will be glad to place your email address here and I hope you get the helpful responses you are looking for:EssenceOfGod07@aol.com:
Thank you for your website. I will try the things that you have recommended. You are so right about your personal safety being your responsibility. I have been protecting myself for nine years. I thought my son and I were finally safe until today. I moved to another state and moved in with a relative. The only time that I have been out in public in almost three months was today. I went to the Mall went in the JCPenney's entrance and walked in to Chic-Fil-A and turned around and there he was, my ex. My son and I both just freaked out. He's probably been driving by here for months. I want our son to be safe and he's threatened me, if I look the wrong way my son will be gone in a second. Just look the wrong way once, he said and you'll never see him. I'm so tired of this and I can't believe that I'm back here again. I will win. I refuse to lose. Thank you for your help. I think you website is a great source of information. Keep it up. Thanks again.....Back in Hiding
hi there, i came across your site and you have some interesting information on how to handle a stalking situation. i would say my stalker is a little delirious and very vengeful. my largest problem is that i don't know who they are and i have been to the police and they seem to not want to do anything about it at all. i have emails upon emails of very nasty accusations and comments. i have saved all this for at least the last 2-3 years. this has been going on and i have been to the police like i said and every time i leave the police dept having been told that i need to change my email and phone number and even told i needed to change my residence. i am a single father of a beautiful little girl and i am not sure what to do anymore to protect her. i reside at my mothers house in roanoke va. i do not want her to go through what this person has put me through and has in the last year and a half tried putting my friends through. i would appreciate any help you can give me as to what to do about this problem. i hear of things being done to stop stalking and harassment and the most recent one i remember was a young teen who killed themselves because of the harassment. unfortunately it wasn't till then that the authorities in this persons area did an investigation. i know i do not know you and you have no idea who i am but i would greatly appreciate your help to end this madness that will not seem to go away.
My Response,
What I understand from your email is that you don’t know who this person is, and the only point of contact between them and yourself is through emails. You said the emails contain nasty accusations and comments but you didn’t say they were threatening.
The first thing I would do is start using a second email address to talk to your family and closest friends, but keep the old address as well. If your stalker starts contacting you at the new email address, then you know that it is one of your family or friends. Start another address with a
smaller circle of friends, and you will be able to eventually figure out which friend is doing it. Be patient, this may take a while, but you said it has already been going on for years so you have the time.
Ask your friends not to forward your emails to anyone and
not to send emails to you that they are also sending to other people. Anybody who receives an email that was sent to several people can see all the friends’ addresses that it was sent to and can find you again even if they are not your friend but are the friend of one of your friends.
If your stalker
doesn’t figure out the new address but continues to use your old address, then you know it is not one of your close friends and you can eventually drop that address. Or, leave it open and never check it and you can have the satisfaction that they are wasting their time to no avail.
Lastly, don’t let them get in your head and freak you out.
If they have never contacted you in person in the “years” that it has been going on, then they probably don’t really know you and you are not really in any danger.
I am contacting you because our family is being stalked in a peculiar way. My youngest
sister had a terrible argument with my mother over her property. She tried to tell me
that Mom had sold the house and acreage to her and to her boyfriend. My mother was in
the hospital for a lung biopsy and my sister went there to try to get her to sign over
her power of Atty to herself and her boyfriend. They came into the house while Mom was
hospitalized and took ALL of my mom's legal papers. Then she tried to masquerade as my
mother and used her ID with my mother's social security number and ruined her credit
by getting credit cards and running them up. We actually got the original signature
card from one credit card company and gave the evidence to the police and they did
nothing. She and her children stole items of my fathers estate from my mother, they
stole money from her bank account, they constantly telephone here. Finally, they have
called every county office she can think of, including Adult Services and made bogus
reports. Adult services told me they have to investigate EVERY report. This has been
continual over the past five years. I think they are spying on me on my computer--can
you suggest anything to help?
My response:
You have a couple issues here. First of all I have to give this disclaimer: The laws in your state may be different than the laws in my state, and your police department may not be organized the same way mine is. That being said, I will give you a few suggestions.
1. If your mom is over sixty years old, in my state there are laws that protect her from
financial abuse, which would include selling her property or managing her financial affairs without a lawful power-of-attorney in effect. We have detectives that are specifically trained in those investigations. It's a difficult area of investigation because often our seniors get confused when a loved daughter whom they trust starts to take advantage of them. You said that you had contacted your police department, I suggest you follow up with them and see if you have this law, and if they have detectives that investigate this. Your mom would have to be willing to assist the police in the investigation since she is the victim. We often run into a problem here because she still loves that daughter and doesn't want to get her in trouble.
2. Using your moms identification to apply for credit cards is a violation of two laws:
A) identity theft, where your mom is the victim and her assistance is required to proceed with an investigation.
B) False information on a Credit Application is a separate crime in which the credit card company is the victim and their cooperation is required to proceed with an investigation. Credit card companies are in business to make money and they do make a lot of it. They won't commit their resources to something that doesn't make money. There is no money to be made from prosecuting someone for the loss of a couple thousand dollars when they deal in millions and billions. Their procedure is to close the account and send it to collections hoping to badger your mom into paying them back.
My first suggestion is to call your detective and ask if your mom is pressing charges against her daughter. She may tell you she is just to appease you, but then tell the detective no. If she is not, then you now know why nothing is being done. If she is, then ask what kind of evidence the detective is looking for and help him if you can. Understand that if there is not enough evidence, the case must be closed or suspended until more evidence arises. That doesn't mean the detective doesn't believe you, it just mean he can't prove it in court.
To check on your mom's property ownership, I suggest you start with your county website. My county website lists all pieces of property and the owner information under the "county recorder" office. In the "products and Services" chapter of my stopyourstalker.com is a site that will research court records for a fee. I would personally start with your county website where the info is free, but I included that link to help if you don't find it on your own.
Your last issue where you mention she may be spying on your computer. I don't know of any free fixes for that. You will probably have to buy a program that protects your computer. Take a look at the link in my products and services chapter that has a computer security product, then compare it with what's available at a software store, buy the one that fits your needs and gives you the best price.
